Women To Avoid

  In the hunt for a suitable mate, there are certain women you just don’t go near – like, ever. Even if they’re drop-dead gorgeous, with long, flowing blonde hair and a body you could crack a nut on, you need to be strong and resist the temptation to form a relationship with these types of girls. Heed this warning: these women are not to be trusted!

The Bunny-Boiler
  This woman should be avoided like the bubonic plague. Your first encounter with her may be completely innocent, either bumping into her at a church or laughing over a book at the library. At first glance she’ll appear to be the girlfriend of your dreams – interested, loyal and sexy. She’ll laugh at your bad jokes, run your bath for you and be up for sex pretty much anywhere, anytime. In fact, you’ll be half-thinking about going down to Tiffany’s and getting her a rock to seal the deal; you simply won’t want to lose this one. But behind those doe-eyes lies a time-bomb waiting to explode. She’ll become clingy, suffocating and, at times, unbearable. She’ll edge out your friends, snap during the slightest disagreement and become a sadist in the bedroom, leaving unsightly claw marks across your bare chest. She’ll start talking about the future children you’ll have together, she’ll become friends with your mother and she’ll be generally moving at the frightening speed of a freight train. As soon as you realise she’s getting to be too much, you’ll finally get the courage to tell her that you need to cool things off. That, my friend, is when she’ll crack. She may just draw a dagger, go straight for the jugular and kill you right then and there. Or she may draw things out over a couple of months, stalking you, harassing you and making you feel as on-edge as humanly possible. Then she’ll kill you. Either way, the end result of this relationship is that you will probably die.
Celebrity Equivalent: Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, Kate Hudson in How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days
What Not To Say To Her: “I think we should break up.”

The Psycho
  The psycho differs from the bunny-boiler in the fact that you won’t wind up dead with her. She might, but you won’t. Your first encounter with her will most likely be at an all-night rave, or somewhere completely random, like a crack den. You’ll be instantly attracted to her, as she’ll be wild, carefree and dangerous. When you’ve finally gotten together, she’ll be an unstoppable force of nature, partying with you at all hours, drinking you and your buddies under the table and dancing on bartops like a Sunset Boulevard stripper. But that’s okay; after all, you’re not going to marry her. Then, one day, she happens to miss her medication. She descends into the biggest depression this side of the Wall Street Crash, dragging you down with her. She draws the blinds, smokes 100-a-day and doesn’t eat for weeks at a time. When you do finally pluck up the courage to tell her that you’re leaving while your own sanity is still intact, she’ll tell you that she has bipolar disorder and that she’ll kill herself if you do. You still leave. She dies. Simple.
Celebrity Equivalent: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan
What Not To Say To Her: “Go to rehab.”

The Daddy's Girl
  This woman was probably a cheerleader in high school. She’s young, pretty and smart, and everyone wants a piece of her well-formed butt. Unfortunately, not a load of guys do get a piece of it – according to gossip, she plans to hold on to her virginity until she meets “the right guy”. Excited that you may be that guy, you set about doing everything in your power to please her. You wine her, dine her, shower her with expensive gifts and write her long, gushing love letters that make you sick to your stomach. Then, when you’ve finally earned her respect by serenading her outside her bedroom window, she agrees to go out with you and slips off her sundress to give you a glimpse of her breasts. But that’s when the real trouble starts. As a fantasy she’s great, but as a girlfriend, she’s pretty bad. She’ll deny you sex until your balls go blue and fall off, she’ll make you open doors for her and other gentlemanly crap like that, and she’ll make you go to church every Sunday – even if you are a Scientologist. Next, she’ll make you meet her dad – like, three days into the relationship. He’ll think his sweet daughter can do ten times better and it’ll be all-out war. Even the bottle of wine you bought him when he invited you both to dinner won’t help; you’re scum in his eyes, so get used to it. Over dinner, he’ll bring up old boyfriends who sound infinitely more macho than you, he’ll slap you on the back in a ‘buddy’ way but it’ll leave a sting, and he’ll kiss his daughter passionately when you both leave. You'll decide then and there that this daddy’s girl will never be free from her controlling, overbearing father and you'll tell her that you want space. Lots of it. She’ll go crying to daddy and he’ll beat you to a pulp. You’ll end up on a ventilator, then he’ll sneak into the hospital room in the night and switch it off. You wind up dead, but everyone thinks that you jumped off a building because you couldn’t live with yourself.
Celebrity Equivalent: Brooke Hogan, Chelsea Clinton
What Not To Say To Her: “Who's your daddy?”

The Rich Bitch
  You’ll probably meet the rich bitch in a designer clothing store, a trendy nightclub or a Michelin-starred restaurant. She’ll be immaculately-groomed, with blonde extensions, a fake tan, French-tips and diamonds dripping from anywhere with a hole. More likely than not, she’ll talk in a fake American accent – even if she’s from London – and will carry a ridiculously small pooch around in her handbag. Nevertheless, she’s sexy and you’re sure you’ve seen her in an explicit sex tape on the ‘net before. You go up to her, talk to her and she buys you a drink. How refreshing! Pretty soon you’re in bed, screwing her ‘til the sun comes up. It may not be love, but it’s lust at first sight and you embark on a passionate affair. You go out for expensive dinners together, go shopping on Robertson and turn up to celeb-packed parties in a limo – all paid for by her, of course. Then, after a few months, she’ll start to resent you and the fact that you’ve more or less given up your own job. She’ll say that you just want her for her money, which isn’t strictly true; you want her for her body, too. Pretty soon, you’ll discover that she’s actually a mean, manipulative bitch who picks guys like you up and spits them out three weeks later. Before you’ve even had time to end things, she’ll be going out with someone else, leaving you feeling used, betrayed and something you’ve never felt before: hurt. Struggling on your middle-class wage, you’ll miss the lifestyle you enjoyed with her and you’ll probably turn to a life of crime to get it back. After selling a sex tape of you and her together to The National Enquirer, the police will arrest you and you’ll finally wind up in prison, where you’ll become someone else’s bitch. Just not rich.
Celebrity Equivalent: Paris Hilton, Denise Richards in Wild Things
What Not To Say To Her: “Money doesn't buy happiness.”

About the author:

  Nick studied at Sussex University and graduated with a degree in English Literature and Media Studies. When he’s not writing – which isn’t often – he enjoys spending time with friends and family, watching movies, downloading music, eating out and travelling as much as he possibly can; Marbella, Miami, London and Phuket are his favourite places in the world.

  Nick has worked on a number of newspapers, magazines and websites –including Caché, Colures and AskMen.com - and specialises in popular culture, luxury and travel. He particularly enjoys writing about all that is beautiful in the world, including luxury hotels, trendy restaurants and the latest gadgetry for the home. If it’s hip and gorgeous, Nick will have something to say about it.

  He is currently working on his first children’s book, which has generated interest from a number of London-based publishers, and runs his own online magazine at www.gunpowder-magazine.com.